Amish War Brides
by HalloweenJack138
Summary: While Jim tries to get his life back on track, Dwight begins a oneman war against the Amish... but can even a Schrute stand against the armies of Lancaster?
1. What do we know about partying

_Been a crazy week of old Jack... in the last five nights I slept in five different beds and my days were so frantic I nearly didn't have time to buy this month's issue of "Wired." (Ah, to be James Gunn for a day...) Anyway, finally home and ready to start writing again, sorry if this one sucks, I'm just trying to get back in the game._

**"Ground Floor Coming Up"**

"Come on, that's just an urban legend," Karen had a playful on her lips as she disagreed with him, but Jim wasn't about to surrender footing on this one.

"Karen, trust a native Pennsylvanian on this one," he asserted, "it is completely true."

"What is?" Dwight asked, making a characteristic invasion of someone else's conversation.

Jim was reluctant to speak, but Karen had no such qualms. "The Amish drug connection."

A look of furied surprise contorted Dwight's features. "_What?_"

Jim shrugged. "The Amish are part of the marijuana pipeline in Pennsylvania."

This couldn't possibly be true, Dwight was of Amish stock himself and he could _not_ be a part of anything that facilitated drug use. "You're making this up," he insisted.

"No, no, it's true," Creed confirmed. "You see, like traditional Islam, there is no rule against cannabis in the Amish doctrine. They have no problem in trafficking pot to non-believers, or "English" as they call us, because they see it as just another crop."

Karen and Jim looked astonished while Dwight merely turned a bit greener.

"He can't even remember my name," Karen whispered to Jim.

"Karen," Jim whispered back, "he can't even remember _his own name_ half of the time."

For his part, Dwight could only steel himself heroically for the cold harsh light of the truth. Unless a lifetime of movies and Japanese animation had lied to him, perverted older men were always telling the truth about this sort of thing. And that was Creed to the DNA.

The only question on his mind was how he could do what was necessary.

----

Dwight, staring at his coworkers through the blinds: Look at them... a bunch of weak-willed slackers and malfeasants. They could have been good, hard-working people like my father or President Nixon... instead they chose lives of filth and sloth.

Nods grimly.

Dwight: One day a real rain will come down and wash them all away.

He attempts a square-jawed Batman expression, but is physically incapable.

Dwight: They'll look up at the skies and beg for someone to save them... And I'll look down and laugh.

Jim walks into frame.

Jim: Really?

Dwight, flustered: Damn it, Jim, respect the confessional!

Jim: Sorry.

Jim looks right into the camera and jims. Then walks off.

Dwight, disgusted: God.

----

"How can a man turn against his own people?" Dwight asked his reflection in the men's room mirror. It was a bit difficult to take the man on the other side seriously with all Silly String stains dotting his face like blue pimples, but Dwight took that as being a bit of Michael Scott reflecting in himself, and how could he not take pride in that? "How can I wage a war with only one man?"

Suddenly the stall behind swung open and a dramatic "swoosh" echoed through the room. "Because it's one _good_ man," Jim answered seriously as he swaggered over to the sink.

"But, to take on the Amish..." Dwight looked to Jim with eyes so desperate and child-like Jim couldn't help but add fuel to the fire.

"Dwight, this is a matter of principle," Jim replied boldly as he vigorously washed his hands. "The law can't touch the Amish, but you know what they're doing is wrong. They're dealing _drugs,_ and there's no such thing as an acceptable drug, right?"

"Right," Dwight nodded. "Except alcohol and caffeine." He thought for a second. "And that stuff they put in turkeys."

Jim nodded in what he felt was a Jack Webb-ish style. "Absolutely. So what do _you_, as a man of principle _do_?"

A grim determination swept over him, completely replacing the doubt of mere seconds ago. "I must launch my own moral crusade deep within the heart of Amish country."

Jim placed a wet hand on Dwight's shoulder. "Godspeed, Dwight. Godspeed."

----

Dwight: My first job... outside of the beat farm, of course... was as a sweater-folder at Laura Ashley factory store. It was an okay job, but I didn't really like it... I had to handle women's clothing.

He winces in distaste.

Dwight, becoming increasing excited: One day, I caught a woman trying to shoplift a denim jumper and I clamped down on her with full force. I tackled her to the ground...

He mimes performing this action.

Dwight: And I held her down while I summoned the security guards with my free hand.

He nods proudly.

Dwight: Her granddaughter started crying, but... I made sure she knew her grandma had it coming.

----

"Well, it looks like Dwight's going to be moonlighting," Jim said. He was so happy to be able to spread this news that he could hardly contain himself.

"Is going to hire himself out as a rodeo clown?" Karen asked hopefully as she looked up from her sandwich.

"No," Jim replied, "he's dedicated to become a brooding nocturnal crime-fighter."

Karen froze. "You're _kidding_."

"I am _very_ serious," Jim insisted. "He is going to be Scranton's last hope against Amish uprisings."

"Did_ you_ talk him into this?" Karen asked, more than a little amused.

"I certainly didn't try to talk him out of it," Jim admitted. "I mean, Karen, the world needs heroes."

Karen nodded, Jim had come to her first with this one, so it was her job to keep it going. She knew what the other option would be. "So, is he going to wear a costume or..."

Jim's eyes expanded to reach Mega Man levels. "_He is now_."

Karen smiled, biting her lower lip slightly. "If we hurry, we can probably find something for him before lunch is over."

If Jim was completely honest with himself, he'd admit there were times when he doubted his relationship with Karen. This was not one of those times. "_Let's go_."

The two of them were out the door in a flash, not a word said to anyone else.

When Pam realized the camera was filming her, she had to pretend she hadn't been staring at them.

----

Jim: Yeah, I'm trying a little harder with Karen right now.

He nods, a bit guiltily.

Jim: It's because of Pam, actually.

Pause.

Jim: I heard her say something to Kelly about the way Roy never really paid attention to her when they were together and...

Pause.

Jim: I've just been trying a little harder lately.

----

Pam, just amazingly uncomfortable: Really? He said that?

The sort of that makes it clear that she does not know what to do with herself.

Pam: Well, I...

----

Pam stood nervously at the front of Toby's cubicle. "Hey, Toby," she said weakly, "can I talk to you about something?"

"Yeah..." Toby tried to keep himself anchored to the ground while images of what Pam could want to talk to him about danced through his head. "Of course..."

"It's just..." Pam continued awkwardly, "it's kind of about a someone I work with, so..." she nudged her shoulder slightly in the direction of the camera.

Toby nodded, he knew it was going to be something like this. It always was. "I have a place we can go for problems like these."

Pam smiled appreciatively. She was really lucky to have a friend like Toby.

----

"So, you really think he's going to wear this?" Karen giggled as she and Jim made their way back into the office.

"I think this is what he's been waiting for his whole life," Jim replied.

Karen shook her head and took a step back so she could appreciate Jim's handiwork inconspicuously.

----

Karen: I'm actually not too sure about the pranks, but they're important to Jim and...

She stops herself from saying something potential damaging.

Karen: I mean, I just want to be there for him.

----

"Dwight," Jim said as he reached into the plastic shopping bag he'd been given at the local Good Will, "I brought you something to aid you in the struggle to come."

Dwight was dubious, so Jim pulled out his purchase. It was a red and black Body Glove wet-suit, of a type and style that might have been selected by not especially good would-be surfers sometime in the early 1990s. It was also three sizes too small to be at all flattering on Dwight.

"A uniform," Dwight gasped in awe.

Jim nodded solemnly and handed Dwight the wet-suit. "There is good and there is evil and..." Jim spoke with as much heavy-handed drama as he could muster while maintaining a straight face "...someone has to stand against the Amish tide."

Dwight accepted the boon gratefully.

Now he could begin his struggle in earnest.

----

Dwight: There were those who felt that my mother was difficult woman to deal with, but it wasn't that... she just had no tolerance for weakness.

Wistful pause.

Dwight: When I was four years old, she locked me in a closet in the basement with only a toy plastic shovel and told me that if I couldn't fight my way back into the light without any help from anyone, she would no longer acknowledge me as her son.

Pause.

Dwight: But one day, she'll change her mind.

----

Safe in the knowledge that the cameras had not followed her up to the roof, Pam began to open herself up a little. "It's just..."

Meanwhile, the cameras recorded everything. "It gets hard to see them together," Toby offered.

She nodded, thinking how glad she was that Michael wasn't there to say _that's what she said._ "Yeah."

Toby dug deep into himself and called upon all of his remaining courage. "Maybe what you need to think about right now is finding someone of your own."

Pam's attentions, however, were elsewhere. "Is that Dwight?"

It's was probably better this way. "Where?"

"On the roof of that Denny's," Pam explained, pointing across the street.

The camera zoomed in, it did indeed appear to be Dwight. "What is he wearing?"

----

Dwight: First, I drive all the Amish out of Lackawanna County. 

He flares a nostril menacingly.

Dwight: Then I take the battle into enemy lines.

Dramatic pause.

Dwight: This is _my war._

Dwight takes a half-stepforward, which causes him to slip and go tumbling off the roof.

----

**Next Week's Episode: "Dwight vs. Mose: The Shrutish Civil War"**

Jenna Fischer will be back in **"Life of a Scranton Strip Queen"**

If you asked any young Pam Beesly if she ever imagined she'd be taking her clothes off for money, she would probably get very quiet and (rightly) move very far away from you. But this internship was everything she had ever dreamed of there were only so many ways for her to get that much money as she needed as quickly as she needed.

So, here she was. Very sick, very nervous, very aware that she was going to have to suffer for her art. If only there were some other way to make that money.

When the door swung open and she saw who was waiting for her, she wished she given more thought to bank robbing.

**----**

John Krasinski will be back in **"Perhaps Vampires Is a Bit Strong But..."**

When Jim thought that he had once mocked Dwight's beliefs, he couldn't help but choke on the irony of it all.

Tonight he would feast on the blood of the innocent.

Tomorrow, probably hit a few records store, maybe the outlet mall...

**----**

Creed Bratton will be back in **"Hash Wednesday"**

Creed ran a hand through his thick brown mop of hair as he surveyed the burning heap that had been his brand new red 68 VM Bug.

Every cop and dealer in town was after what was in his groovy yellow bag of tricks, and they were all more than willing to kill him for it.

But he was going to have the last laugh on all of them.


	2. or anything else?

_Thanks to everyone who reviewed the last wonky chapter and inspired me to write this one, which is even worse. My copy of "Lollilove" finally arrived_ _while I was working on this one, so if I seem distracted, that why... I expect to go missing for several days_, _actually._

**"How Will I Ever Find My Way Home?"**

Jim: Did I ever want to be a superhero?

Pause.

Jim: I guess so... I never read too many comic books.

Pause.

Jim: I liked Spider-Man, though, because... he was always making jokes and stuff and I thought "_here's a guy that doesn't take his job too seriously_."

Jim jims.

Jim: And I had a lot of respect for that.

Pause.

Jim: I didn't really like Batman, though...

----

Toby and Pam rushed across the parking lot to find their fallen coworker.

Dwight was fortunate enough to have his fall broken one of the many hideously-manicured shrubs scattered randomly outside the restaurant. However, the angle of his fall and the fit of his wet-suit had rendered him as motionless as a tortoise on its back.

"Are you okay, Dwight?" Pam asked as she and Toby moved in to help Dwight.

"Oh, Pam," Dwight lamented stoically (which is difficult, but not beyond Dwight's abilities), "I'll never be okay."

The fact that he was wearing a thick rubber bodysuit didn't make getting up any easier, but with both the help of both his coworkers and a healthy dose of stubborn nastiness, Dwight was eventually able to get back on his feet.

"I've been looking at this war the wrong way," Dwight said, trying to sound dramatic despite the small pieces of twigs still stuck in his hair. "Before I bring the fight to the Amish, I must put my house in order."

Toby was the first to ask the question on everyone's mind. "Um... what?"

"I have to start questioning the members of my family and finding out where their loyalties lie," he said with a sad certainty. "Only once I can be sure that I am safe within my own home can I turn my attentions to the drug-dealing Amish scum elsewhere in Pennsylvania." He dusted himself off and scratched his chin thoughtfully. "I can only hope Mose is ready for what's coming."

As was tradition with Dwight, Pam and Toby stared in baffled awe as Dwight strode boldly towards the office, his rubber-clad thighs ricocheting off each other and squeaking like porpoise mating calls.

----

Dwight: Mose was always closer to his Amish roots... now he's going to have to make a choice.

The dramatic pause.

Dwight: Join or die.

Raises his head and glares furiously.

Dwight: I always knew it would come to this.

----

Back in the office, Karen took a moment to reflect. "Don't you think this whole thing with Amish is a little crazy?"

"Of course I do," Jim agreed readily.

"No," Karen continued. "I mean, don't you think this is crazy _even for Dwight_?"

Jim took this as a sign that Karen simply had not had enough experience Dwight. He blamed himself. "Karen, he wanted to screen potential employees based on the Japanese blood type myth."

Karen wrinkled her nose in confusion. "The _what?_"

----

Jim: Apparently, there's a tradition in Japan to link people's blood types to their personality type. According to Wikipedia, all the most evil people in history... from Hitler to Rick James... are Blood Type A.

Pause.

Jim: Dwight wanted to fire anyone who was Type B, which is supposed to be more relaxed and creative.

Jim-shrug.

Jim: He felt they'd hurt productivity.

----

Karen smiled slightly as she wrapped her arms around Jim. "How did he feel about people who were AB?"

"He was not a fan," Jim admitted.

"Really?"

Jim nodded. "He called them 'unnatural,'" Jim felt embarrassed even repeating it.

Karen laughed and shook her head.

----

Karen, cheerful: You know, I there were times when I wasn't so sure about this transfer, but...

She smiles.

Karen: Things at work have actually been going really well lately.

----

"You know, if you want to talk some more about those feelings you were having..." Toby began, trying against hope to seize some small victory out the sea of defeat.

Pam shook her head. "I'm okay. I just needed to vent a little."

This didn't really give Toby much of a chance to suggest they meet after work to discuss the problem further. "You're sure?" he asked, trying to keep the hope out of his voice.

She smiled sweetly and said "Don't worry, Toby. It's fine."

Toby nodded, then slowly stuttered back into the office to resume his withered balloon existence unhindered.

As she was walked through the door, Pam felt her arm get caught on something. When she looked to investigate, she realized it was Angela.

She was looking up with Pam with wide, desperate eyes. Pam thought she might even cry. "You can't let him keep doing this," she pleaded.

Pam didn't know quite what to say. "He wasn't really hurt this time," Pam offered pathetically.

Angela was the most shaken Pam had ever seen her. "He fell off a _building_, Pam," she whinged.

"It wasn't a very tall building," Pam tried, feeling stupid for even opening her mouth.

"Pam," she begged.

When she tried to see things from Angela's perspective... Pam was invariably terrified. But she couldn't help but sympathize with the other woman. "He's not going to listen to me, Angela."

Angela nodded and lowered her head mournfully.

Pam wondered briefly if she should give Angela a comforting hug or if that would just cause the smaller woman to start screaming and accuse Pam of trying to turn her into a lesbian. Before Pam had a chance to decide, Angela raised her head again. "He'll listen to Michael," she said with a certain lost resignation.

----

Michael: I am always there for my employees.

Pause.

Michael: I pride myself on that... if someone has a problem, they can always go to me. That's why I'm here. To manage things.

Pause.

Michael: Of course, sometimes I've got a lot_ I _need to take care of and_ I _have a lot on my plate and... I mean managers have problems, too...

He smiles weakly.

Michael: And then it becomes sort "why can't you handle your own problems?" I mean... I'm not God, right?

The way Michael looks at the camera clearly suggests that he expects an amount of uncertainty towards that last statement.

----

"Can't you take care of this?" Michael grumbled. "I'm kind of busy here."

"You were watching cartoons," Angela said, trying to retain moral superiority while emotionally overwrought.

"It wasn't _just _a cartoon, Angela," Michael snapped, "it was _the Family Guy_."

Pam sighed. Michael watching Family Guy meant he would spend the next week and half explaining jokes from Family Guy to the entire office. She had seriously considered starting a grassroots campaign to get the show canceled again.

"It was disgusting," Angela rebutted.

Pam wasn't about to let this debate start up again. "Michael, Dwight's really out of control."

Michael brushed this aside. "He's always like that."

"He's planning to go to war on the Amish," Angela said as seriously as was possible given the subject matter.

Like many Americans, Michael wasn't sure how to react to this news. "What?"

Pam nodded.

Michael's self-defense instincts kicked in. "Do why have any Amish people in the office?"

"No," Pam stated.

Michael considered this for a moment. Then seemed to decide he wasn't convinced. "Are you _sure_ about that, because... that could really be an issue in the workplace."

Finally, hurt and frustrated, Angela couldn't help but lash out. "Do you even know who the Amish are?"

After a pause that couldn't help but be a little emasculating, Michael weakly decided "I will talk to Dwight."

----

"Heeeeey, buddy..." Michael said softly as he sidled up to Dwight's desk.

"Hello, Michael," Dwight said cheerfully as he perked up from his war journal.

Michael shook his head solemnly. "I think you and me need to have a little talk about something."

"Of course," Dwight agreed enthusiastically. "Is this about that Appalachian skiing trip, because..."

"No, no," Michael shook his head rapidly. "This is about..." Michael sighed and took a moment to gather his energies from the universe around him before pressing on.

"Dwight... you just can't pursue your own personal interests on company time," Michael asserted without a hint of irony or self-awareness. "It's not professional."

"But, Michael," Dwight protested, "this is important to me."

Unfortunately, Dwight was the one person on the planet Michael could hold the hard line with. "Dwight, there no 'i' in the word 'team,'" he stressed. Then, after a moment added "But there is a 'you' in '_masturbate_.'"

Like most of Michael's jokes, Michael found that joke explosively hilarious while the rest of the room simply felt boredly uncomfortable.

The one man who generally appreciated Michael's sense of humor was lost in the worst cloud of hurt since he found out what happened to Dumbledore.

-----

Dwight: I always thought Michael would stand by me until the end...

He shakes his head sadly.

Dwight: This war has shattered so many of my beliefs.

-----

Dwight rose to his seat forcefully, which caused his Body Glove to emit a strange swerking noise. "I'm sorry, Michael..." he looked right at Angela as he said "everyone..." then cast his gaze skyward... to the ceiling tiles "but this is something I have to do."

Michael said nothing, feeling that he'd put in enough effort on the matter. Angela rushed into the bathroom, trying to hide her tears. Stanley very nearly looked up from his crossword puzzle.

Feeling betrayed by Angela's reaction but unwilling to step back from the ledge, Dwight carried on. "And there's only one man who can help with me with this mission," Dwight paused just long enough for Michael to speculate in abject terror that Dwight was still referring to him. "_Jim Halpert_," Dwight roared.

This pronouncement was clearly intended to shake up the room, but the only visible reactions in the office came from Pam and Karen.

Dwight closed the distance between Jim and himself and held out an arm. "Are you with me?"

Jim had a distinct feeling that Dwight was going to try to kiss him, but decided that he'd have to chance it. "Until the end," Jim replied huskily as he linked his arm with Dwight's.

Dwight smiled almost unnoticeably. Jim bit the inside of his mouth to keep from laughing. Karen and Pam looked at each other, then quickly looked away.

----

Dwight: Have I had my problems with Jim in the past?

Dwight indicates that this is a given.

Dwight: Certainly.

Pause.

Dwight: But since I began this campaign, Jim has been the only one to stand by me.

He rests his lips on his index finger thoughtfully.

Dwight: And that means he's the only one I can really trust.

----

Jim, elated: A while ago, a friend of mine was telling me how he felt the first time he got to see Eric Clapton live.

Pause.

Jim: I really didn't have anything to relate that to...

Jim treats us to a smile so wide most of us just don't have the lips for it.

----

"So, you're really going to this farm to watch Dwight threaten his cousin?" Karen asked, already knowing the answer.

"Wherever the Scarlet Schruter goes, his trusty sidekick Woodpigeon is sure to follow," Jim explained deadpan.

Karen raised an eyebrow. "So, are going to start shaving your legs and wearing hotpants?"

Jim didn't even blink. "If that's what it takes to win this war, Karen," he said solemnly. "If that's what it takes to win this war."

She shook her head. "Who is this child I've involved myself with?" she asked sweetly.

"Come on, Jim!" Dwight yelled from the door jam.

Karen gave him her signature wide, thin smilet. "Jim, you know he's going to end up doing something really stupid."

Jim nodded, that was his whole reason for coming along. "I know it's really hard to see your man march off to war," he said seriously. "I just need to know you'll be there when I come back."

"Just try not to get arrested," she cautioned.

"I'm sorry, Karen," Jim replied, "but this is a matter of conscience. I can't make a promise like that."

Karen nodded and walked him to the door where Dwight was tapping his foot impatiently. "This might be the last time I see him alive," Karen explained sadly. At this point, learning when not to laugh was becoming a form of Zen meditation for Jim.

"A true warrior has no place for love," Dwight sniped bitterly, unable to keep himself from looking towards Angela's now-vacant desk.

Jim gave her one final embrace then walks off, following the steps of his commanding officer out into the battlefield that their world had become. She watched him slowly depart until he was gone from her vision... vanished into the elevator. She returns to her desk and tries to concentrate on her work, but she can't help but think about his return, almost afraid of the stories he might bring back with him.

Back at the reception desk, someone sees it all.

----

Dwight, darkly: We grew the beets together. Me and Mose.

Pause.

Dwight: We worked the fields together.

Longer pause.

Dwight: Beets are nature's candy.

Dwight narrows his eyes bitterly.

Dwight: Mose taught me that.

----

**Next Week's Episode: "****Blood and the Beetroot Fields****"**

**----**

**Coming soon:**

They took his family.

They took his home.

And they framed him for the crime.

They didn't know about the Cornell's top Vengeance Program.

Ed Helms IS Andy Bernard IN **Angry Justice **

Because sometimes anger can't be managed.**  
**


End file.
